Be more succinct, he said. Abbreviate more, he opined. Adopt the 'bulletin style', he offered. 

Once Father Derek's impudent head had stopping wobbling from the smack I'd given it, he perked up with an explanation. 

"We've had complaints". 

"But, of course" I chuckled in a shamefully self-satisfied manner. 

"About too many words in your articles." 

"This isn't that canard about attracting the Sportify or Infragram generation is it,  who've got the attention span of Mary Tudor at her maddest?" 

"No. But we've had complaints from the people you have a go at." 

"It's rather why we exist, isn't it?" I could feel myself getting tetchy, thinking it was surely time to find another curate. 

"They say that they're struggling to find your references to them amidst all the other stuff." 

"Oh. Right. I get the hint." 

I'm nothing if not a thoroughly modern, mid-sixteenth century spectre, so welcome to the shorter, shinier, sexier (is that right?) RTG:  

The end of the world? 

For those who know the Bible well, the Apocalypse will be heralded by various different signs, including wars, famines and earthquakes. But you can add another: 'when the ghost and the self-pleasuring amphibian are in agreement, then the last of days is upon us'. 

For, dear reader, your humble shade and Councillor Simon 'Toad/Onan' Barrett are as one on the virtue signalling behind the Local Government Association's Debate not Hate campaign, recently endorsed by Babergh councillors. 

Now I deprecate the use of threats and intimidation, as when 'Footsie' Grutchfield led the likes of Councillors 'Queenie' Dawson and 'Grandone' Grandon to remonstrate with 'Generalissimo' Ward and some joining a convoy and ended up scaring his daughter who was home alone at the time. 

But as Footise found to his cost, there are more than enough options open to the Police to deal with such infractions. 

I fear this silly, Pollyannaish campaign is aimed rather at trying to intimidate residents and shades from holding their elected representatives to rigorous but fair account.   

Most local pols shy away from much direct dialogue with the hoi-polloi except at election, not least Mayor Gordon 'Jilted John' Macleod, who refuses to talk to the media at all. 

Generalissimo is, by far, the best at this – unafraid to debate back. He has my respect.  

The end of Astroturf? 

Could it be that affable, decent 'Gentleman' John Chenery, chairman of Hadleigh Football Club, used to work for Mossad, the feared Israeli secret service? 

The latter is well-known for its audacious but sophisticated assassination operations. 

Gentleman John's recent letter explaining the Club's view about Councillor Rolf 'Astroturf' Beggerow's massive code of conduct red card over his studs up conflicts of interest regarding the now defunct 3G pitch project. 

In the sweetest, most reasoned tones possible (a little like a passage from an Alan Titchmarsh novel), almost without the reader noticing, 'Gentleman' threw Astroturf's reputation under the proverbial Beestons number 91. 

Basically, he offered that Astroturf was acting on his own and not with the approval or knowledge of the club. 

So, to whom is Astroturf actually accountable? 

The end of sanity? 

If the avowed ambition of the Debate not Hate nonsense is to encourage more respect between councillors and their residents, then someone needs to have a quiet shout in the shell-like of Babergh Councillor Sue Ayres 'And Graces' 

Irritated by something the previously prolix yours truly had written about the Conservative Group 'And Graces' wrote to Father Derek using her most vividly coloured crayons (I made the last bit up). 

In her epistle, she fulminated that "I find the constant griping and nasty comments under the guise of the ghost of Rowland disgusting , if the writer ??? made similar comments about anyone from other faiths he would be pilloried." 

To the very best of my knowledge, the present-day Tory Party is not a recognised faith system. But on further reflection, when applied specifically to the Babergh group, 'And Graces' might have a point. 

After all, the fast-diminishing grouplet as led by Toad/Onan does have all the definitions of a cult, doesn't it, including opposition to critical thinking, the isolation of members and their penalisation for leaving.

Sounds about right, doesn't it? 

That's enough bulletining for now.

Cheery bye.