I was in Avis's checking out the newspapers. As I read, I realised why there was a long queue of chariots down Lady Lane the other day.

They weren't lining up to pay tribute to me as I walked into town. No. They were looking for fuel. Which explains the glum faces. And why no-one waved back at me.

The problem isn't a lack of fuel. It's a lack of serfs. Not enough drivers. In-serf-ficient numbers, you might say, haha. Certainly not a serf-feit, heehee.

Someone's dropped the ball, obvs. Back in my day, you had to manage two things to keep your kingdom on track: Labour and Land. Serf and Turf, as we used to say.

When there was a serf shortage, my go-to was to ask my Danish cousins if they had any spare, and bring them over. Simples.

So why not import workers from Europe? I said as much out loud to the customers in the newsagents. From their exchanged looks, I guessed that wasn't an option.

"Ok then", I said to them, "raid a neighbouring kingdom, say Mercia or Wessex, grab some 'volunteers', put them to work. Fafnir's your uncle."

The customers looked aghast and one of them assured me this also wasn't possible. She said there are laws against it now – Equal Opportunities, Discrimination, Health and Safety, Human Rights and whatnot.

"Red tape", I said. "I thought this 'Brexit' business meant you'd left the Union of the Seven Kingdoms and didn't have to worry about all that. 'Bonfire of regulation' it was called."

The customer explained that you are still in the Union of Kingdoms after all. You left a different Union, apparently. My bad.

Answer's obvious then, innit. "Pull out of this so-called 'United Kingdom'", I declared. "Restore the Kingdom of East Anglia. Take back control. No more imperial units that no one understands. Bring back the kroner, the furlong, and the span. Bring back mead, moot-halls and Danelaw. I am ready to serve as your king once again if needs be."

Alright. Maybe time to think the unthinkable. You could pay your serfs more.

Make it more attractive, you get me. Ok, it might lead to a steep rise in prices. But then again, that will mean fewer people have money to spend on fuel. So, no queues. Problem solved?

"Google", I said to the nearest customer. "Can't you just Google up some serfs?"

"Type this in, see what comes up", I said: "'Missing medieval servant.'"

And serfs them right.

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