"Someone has just written something nice about you" smiled Father Derek as I clocked in to screed up this latest column.

Even us ghosties get a shiver of excitement from fan mail. But we try not to let it show as it undermines our trademark look of haunted despair.

"Has Generalissimo thanked me for getting my reference to his favourite dry sherry correct (ie it's not Aldi's own label)?"

Apparently not.

"Is it a billet-doux from Footsie Grutchfield for not mentioning him for weeks? (Oh, drat! No chance of that now).

Nope. 

Tiring of this game, I implore Father D. to spill the haricots.

"The Independent Press Standards Organisation (IPSO) said one of your recent columns had a "satirical and hyperbolic tone."

Best. Review. Ever.

Apparently, the comment came in a response to a complaint from Councillor Mick 'Macadam' Fraser about my coverage of his recent altercation with a member of the public.

Flouncing snowflake

Having written and failed to persuade Father Derek to pull the reference (I thought Conservatives were the party of 'free speech'? Wrong again, Taylor you naïve neophyte, you), Macadam went off in a huff to complain to IPSO on the grounds of a lack of accuracy.

Given the option, I'd have reproduced all of IPSO's choice use of words in rejecting Fraser's whinge, except the author is such an expert at the waspish comment, I fear she might replace me as Hadleigh Nub News' fav spectral scribbler.

So here, instead, are a few highlights:

"The article ….gave the writer's opinion that "snowflakes" were present in the area's local politics.

"Whilst we appreciated you disagreed with the writer's opinion on the incident, where it was his perception of what had happened and the appropriateness of your response, it was not misleading to state this.

"Where no significant inaccuracies have been identified, your concern that the article was not balanced did not provide sufficient grounds to investigate a possible breach of Clause 1."

Aside from the reference to my gender (don't make assumptions, dearie), this is as accurate and comprehensive a judgement as it is possible to receive.

Now he's got this hissy fit out of his system, perhaps Macadam could devote some of his spare time as a 'Local Conservative' to speaking up for Hadleigh at County Hall?

Talking of 'Local Conservatives', this seems to be the appellation of choice of all the Blue Team seeking to get their sticky mitts back onto power at Babergh.

Queenie and Bolter

The idea is a crude one: the message being we are purer than the Virgin Mary's mother and have absolutely nuffink to do with the excrement entertainment that currently is the Conservative Party at Westminster. 

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The likes of Queenie Dawson and Bolter Ferguson are CONSERVATIVES through and through. Their membership subs, assuming they're up-to-date, help finance the national party. They espouse the same policies. They are one and the same.

Let me put it this way: Queenie is 'our' Liz Truss. Bolter is 'our' Jacob Rees-Mogg. Toad/Onan Barrett (whose code of conduct charge sheet is now up to volume 18) is 'our' Rishi Sunak. Bottler Beer is 'our' Lee Anderson.

Mind you, the other parties standing in May's election are struggling to come up to full muster.

Whilst offering political 'new blood' is enticing, it looks as if the Hadleigh electorate is being offered a complete transfusion. With one exception, I've never heard of any of 'em.

That hasn't stopped the Greens' three newbies from making dodgy claims. Their latest little leaflet carries a graph, based on the 2019 poll, suggesting they are best placed to topple Queenie and Bolter in Hadleigh. Yet the small print 'fesses up that these are figures for the whole of Babergh and not just the town. Naughty, naughty veggies.

As for the Liberal Democrat and Labour candidates, I'm not even sure if they exist. I've heard the term 'paper candidates' but that seems too weighty a title for them.

And finally, a public information announcement. If you're physically going to the polls on 4 May, thanks to the Government's new voter-suppression, sorry voter-identification, scheme please come armed with the right documentation to prove you are who you say you are and not some 'Local Conservative' on the run.

More information here. 

You may want to read:

John Ward's take on leaflets

Greens speak up

Meet Lib Dem's David Butcher

Call for balanced reporting