Put yourself in my boots.

A few weeks ago the town's Council of Elders proclaimed: "Something new is on the horizon...more details to follow over the coming days..." alongside a picture of the High Street, showing what I can only describe as a clear absence of statue.

What else was I supposed to think? Wotan's beard, at last the peasants have had their consciences pricked. My humble suggestion of a monument to yours truly, your long-neglected ruler and benefactor, has been acted upon.

But no, the big announcement, when it came, was for a new Loyalty Card. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for supporting local merchants. But 'Loyalty'? You lot don't know the meaning of the word. Unless it's loyalty to the blessed Rowland Taylor. Different story then innit.

But I'm over it. It helped that Squire Derek got his thralls to mock up some statue ideas. 'Visioning' he calls it. Gotta say, their efforts cheered me up no end. I've picked my favourites – what do you think?

First location: the mini-roundabout, helpfully pointing the right way round. Great central spot, and serves a purpose.

Second: the big chariot park, poised ready to defend it against excessive charges imposed by the Baron. The footprint should only take up five spaces tops. It's topical, alright, but will anyone care about parking charges 20 years from now? Not the sort of thing that sparks street protests is it.

I mean, who would join a convoy of chariots in the midst of a plague to bear down on the Baron's manor over parking charges? You'd have to be crazier than Mad Harald the Beserker, right? And believe me, he was one crazy móðir.

Third: Benton Street. For this to work, it would have to be pedestrianised. Which would solve the traffic problem. Two birds, one stone. Typical of the decisive leadership I was known for.

Squire Derek called this one a 'courageous' choice, which makes me wonder. I'm all about courage, ask anyone, as long as it's not taken to Rowland Taylor-like extremes. Then, as you know, I'm all about moderation.

'Course, you don't have to pick just one. Nothing to stop you going for all of them. Or suggesting a better spot. Astride Toppesfield Bridge maybe?

It won't be cheap, but remember you'll be making up for over a thousand years of neglect.

Stick that in your Loyalty Card.

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*Would you support a statute to Guthrum in Hadleigh? If so email the editor: [email protected]

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