Football.

Squire Derek has asked me to say something about football. He says the peasants are mad for it.

Football wasn't a thing in my day so what he expects me to say I have no idea. Back then, popular pastimes were things like 'Release the Bear!' and 'Dunk-the-Widow'. Good times. I know they wouldn't be allowed nowadays. What can I say? It was the 70s. The 870s.

It would have to be 'Dunk-the-Widow/Widower' now I suppose. Political correctness gone mad, as you are wont to say. But as you might expect for a thousand-year-old privileged white male, being on trend is not my forte. I'm no Hereward the Woke, haha. Geddit?

The closest sport was 'Headball'. Two mobs met on Aldham Common to fight over a Saxon's head in a sack. Funnily enough, one of the goals was where the blessed Rowland Taylor is now. The winners got a vat of gruel at The Running Beserker.

Headball never recovered from the creation of the European Super-League. No-one could agree whose heads to use: Saxons? Vikings? Picts? Endless arguments before each match.

Anyway, as the old Danish saying goes: 'man må hyle med de ulve man er i blandt' - one must howl with the wolves one is among. So let's talk football.

I'm told the local team is doing so well they are shelling out for an enchanted greensward that will allow them to play in all weathers.

Gotta say, magic has advanced a hell of a lot since my day. I had a few warlocks. Useless. The best one of them could come up with was a foul-tasting love potion. It had the opposite of the desired effect I am sorry to say. But don't pity me. Pity the warlock.

The magic is well impressive but I have to ask why an enchanted sward? Was it a typo? No one in their right mind will want to play football in the rain. They haven't thought it through.

I'm told two of the club have just joined the town's Council of Elders, alongside the club's chieftain. At this rate the council will soon be able to field its own 5-a-side team, haha.

Seriously, good luck to them. I know what it's like to wear more than one hat. As king, I was High Sheriff, Lord of the Exchequer, Defender of the Faith, judge, jury, and executioner. Can get confusing but it saves a lot of time and hot air.

I actually watched a match at Layham Road a while back. Squire Derek suggested it. 'Research' he called it. It was arduous, thirsty work, but thankfully the club laid on a range of ales.

The team done good, beating Gorleston. Small world: their namesake, Gorlestuna, was the Saxon princess who proved immune to my love potion. Nice to see her descendants getting trounced.

So: your king's take on football? It's quite exciting. But it's not a patch on 'Release the Bear!'