'Christmas' trees are a vulgar modern affectation: ghastly erections both ugly and menacing all in one go.

They reflect just how unhinged this part of the liturgical year has become, especially when combined with ceaseless Amazon deliveries, Downing Street scandals and 'special' versions of Strictly Come Dancing.

In my earthly days, celebrations were much more basic and wholesome: spinning wheels covered in flowers, Yule logs decorated with ribbons, cockenthrice (an animal mash-up comprising the front-end of a piglet with the hind-quarters of a turkey) and the blessing of the plough.

Of course, there were some whacky practices, such as the creation of boy bishops and carol singing. These were banned by good King Henry, albeit revived for a time by my arch-nemesis, Mary Tudor.

I accept that Yule logs were originally part of Big G Guthrum's pagan nonsense, but neatly cleaned up by the likes of yours truly and ever-so holy.

I'm pleased to note that some traditions have endured. For example, Christmas Eve was a day of fasting and you were not allowed to eat cheese, eggs or meat. Recent supply chain problems and a lack of HGV drivers has ensured that for this year at least, this will be fully observed by most people.

Also, all work was banned during the twelve days of Christmas – a practice religiously observed to this day by local councillors and council workers.

But back to Christmas' trees, a nasty Germanic import from the nineteenth century. I note that their erection (can I still use this word, by the way? Every time I referenced it during my sermons, I recall the naughty little boys in the back pews would titter away) this year along the High Street has resulted in a war of words and lawyers between Mayor Maritime Minns' piratical crew and various denizens of our good town.

When I read the news, I'd rather assumed the brouhaha reflected the outrage I feel about them besmirching our ancient main drag with their blinginess.

But no, the issues were more about how they were erected (enough, please!) and how safely they were erected (oh yes!).

It seems some folks have complained that proper safety measures were not fully implemented and that some of the tumescences are poorly secured. It's true that some do lilt at vulgar angles. Others positively droop from the perpendicular, suggesting they've been in the Kings Head for longer than was good for their little needles.

You would have thought that Hadleigh Town Council, the body responsible, would either calmly refute such claims or, good Heavens above, accept that they have a point and make amends.

So how did Maritime's hired hands deal with it? By bringing in the (non-Hadleigh based) lawyers, of course and firing off a broadside of orders requiring one of the complainants to withdraw their comments and grovel at the feet of town clerk, Wendy Brame - the Pirate Queen - as a punishment for speaking up.

As if threatening a Hadleigh resident with having to walk the plank wasn't bad enough, Team Maritime compounded their error by refusing to comment when asked ever so politely by Revd Derek, editor of this parish.

Matters reached a new nadir when Hadleigh Town councillor Andrew Knock's efforts to understand the reasoning behind this clunkingly heavy-handed approach was met with another clunkingly heavy-handed approach as the debate was curtailed by the actions of the Pirate Queen and her first mate.

We've now got to the point, sadly, where most reasonable people in Hadleigh probably recognise that this current town council, elected with such hope in 2019, is now as chaotic and secretive as its predecessor.

Perhaps the only solution is for the town council to abolish itself or merge with one of the far better run parish councils hereabouts? Just a thought.

The only hopeful sign on the horizon is the spectacle to be had when Maritime Minns and his mates sorting out the erections for which they are responsible. Should be cracking viewing.

Until then, may I wish all Hadleigh Nub News readers a peaceful Christmas and 2022 when inappropriate erections are things of the past.

Amen!

[L]https://hadleigh.nub.news/n/stormy-hadleigh-town-council-meeting-descends-into-chaos-over-christmas-tree-row[.L]Full story: Council's Christmas tree erection row[.L]