Peasants of Hadleigh. Not gonna lie, I never thought I would write this. But enough is enough. I've asked Squire Derek to send an illuminated manuscript to Boris the Unkempt, King of Albion, aka Boris Eton-Blood, withdrawing my support on behalf of the people of East Anglia.

Blaming others, a lack of accountability, lying, double standards, corruption, no decency or integrity: all excellent qualities in a Dark Age monarch. I mean, the ends justify the means when your rivals can stab you in the back. Literally, you get me. So I can't fault Boris on that score.

And Boris has done some great things in my book. Like bringing back the old measures. Pounds and ounces. Rods and chains. Spans and drams. Lorry queue into a port, eleven kilometres long? How long, by Frigg, is that? But call it two leagues, and I know what you mean.

(Btw this country-wide nostalgia trip could be good for me. After furlongs and gills, what to bring back next? Danelaw, obvs.)

Boris the Unkempt lost support (Picture credit: Mumsnet)

But I read today that many of Boris's thanes and huscarls have broken their oaths of fealty and forsworn him. And yet they still live. Their heads are not on spikes on the battlements of London. What's that all about? This show of weakness by Boris sends the wrong message. Where will it lead? Serfs speaking out of turn? Revolting peasants?

We rulers have to keep up basic standards of despotism. Civilization depends on it. And so, with regret, I can no longer support my fellow king. Let him be cast out. If that leaves a vacancy, I am humbly ready to serve. And get real, who else is there? You need someone with experience, drive, and a thumping great hammer. Get Danelaw done.

Editor's postscript: No sooner said than done SoG