Hello peasants. Guthrum here. Your Dane with a domain.

Been on a tour of my kingdom. Staycation, I guess you'd call it.

Before you ask, no, I didn't go to Bury St Edmunds. We buried him a long time ago, haha.

Well, most of him… (One for the history buffs. If you know, you know.)

Lolz. I'm pulling your chainmail.

Anyway, what Hadleigh news did I miss while I was away: the seizing of banners, the usurping of the Chief Ealdorman, and an edict of silence. A proclamation from Baron Ward and yet more from the Council of Elders.

Just like old times. I'm talking Dark Ages, you get me.

Gotta say, Hadleigh keeps me entertained. Like the houses on Benton Street, it's one gaff after another innit.

Not gonna lie though, I made my own gaffs back in the day. Like taking on Alfred the 'Great' (debatable). And picking this town to be buried in.

As uze, the blessèd Rowland Taylor's getting grief for giving his two kroner worth. He hasn't changed. Never knew how to keep schtum and go with the fl.

Now, I'm all about sticking to your principles and speaking out. Just ask any of my subjects – preferably in my presence. But I'm also all about not sticking to them. Especially if it gets you through another day with your tongue intact.

There was news from outside Hadleigh too, obvs: King of the Britons, Boris the Unkempt, likes to party so hard that he can't tell if it's a party anymore. I can relate, bruv. After one too many meads I can't tell my æsír from my ülbø either.

Worst news of all, some idiot in the Potentate of Rus has started a war. He can take it from me – war never works out how you planned.

If Putin the Tall is reading this (and Squire Derek assures me he checks Nub News every day), my advice is: make peace.

As I said to Alfred the 'Great' (debatable), better to live with your gaffs than die for them. You get me?

The Spirit of Guthrum is a resident from the Hadleigh area, whose views are very much his own.

Hadleigh pratfalls by Rowland Taylor's Ghost