As loyal readers will doubtless attest, Hadleigh Nub News stops at nothing to get to the heart of issues dominating public discourse in the town.

And of course, there is little else being spoken about in our pubs and coffee shops and from the pulpits of our churches than the increasingly bizarre goings-on at Hadleigh Town Council

Fresh from Mayor 'Jilted John' Mcleod's mob being designated as an EMU (England's Most Useless), no expense has been spared in researching more about the characteristics of this rather puffed up and ungainly bird.

I was fortunate to have secured an interview with Olivia Strich, professor of Avian Behaviour Studies at the University of Kununurra, Western Australia, and an international expert on these flapping, flustered beasties. 

Professor Olivia Strich (Pixabay)

RTG: Are emus intelligent?

O.Strich: The emu has the reputation of being one of the least intelligent birds on the planet, but not quite as stupid as the turkey. They are certainly easily fooled.

RTG: Do emus have any uses?

O.Strich: The emu serves an important role in its habitat as a seed dispersal specialist! Seeds eaten whole often come out whole; as the emu wanders about, it leaves fertilised seed-carrying deposits behind in its droppings.

RTG: Do emus make a lot of noise?

O.Strich: The emu has a pouch in its throat that is part of the bird's windpipe and is used for communication. When the pouch is inflated, the emu can make deep booming, drumming, and grunting sounds. These calls can be heard up to 1.2 miles away!

RTG: Are emus dangerous?

O.Strich: Yes, emus can be and, as such, you should try not to make any sudden movements which may scare or agitate the animal, especially those without the proper qualifications

RTG: Anything else the people of Hadleigh need to know about emus?

O. Strich: Sometimes you get an emu who seems to actually quite like humans and during breeding season he will get on his hocks as if he wants to mate with you. He will generally get over this once breeding season has passed. 

RTG: Thank you Professor Strich for your very many insights on this perplexing animal.

If I may summarise Professor Strich's comments, Hadleigh has been gifted a Town Council that isn't very bright, scatters its excrement around with no thought for others, is at times unpleasantly grating, can be aggressive and thinks nothing of shagging over unsuspecting residents.

Who'd have thunk it?

Sadly, we've seen all these aspects on display in recent days. 

The Town Council, under forensic and legitimate scrutiny about its secret compensation payments for a previous town clerk, woeful accounting practices more generally, failures to abide by code of conduct findings and making a total mess of the riverside (and getting another authority to clear up its mess) has responded by passing a gagging order on those who raise such unresolved matters.

The Hadleigh emus have agreed to a bland-sounding but ultimately undemocratic  'Persistent Communicator Policy' which in essence bans members of the public and the media from holding the Council to account. 

Indeed, the Pirate Queen has been allocated sweeping powers under this gagging order, even to the extent of being able to define something as a 'persistent communication'. 

This means if the same or a similar issue (such as what value for money are we getting from you or what on earth have you actually achieved with our tax money?) is raised by more than one person, they can all be fobbed off with the same  bland, probably irrelevant and meaningless reply. 

I promise you, this won't end well for Hadleigh's flock of emus. Undemocratic escapades such as this never do. But the damage that is done in the meantime to the credibility of our local councils more broadly can be immense.

Hadleigh Town Council is playing with fire, which is especially foolish as emus are quite tasty when barbecued – apparently. 

This town is slow to anger, but when it realises that it is being taken for a fool, it can be rather determined to see the wrongs made right again. Now may well be that time.

Council wants to gag pesky citizens